3 years since then

 Hello to whoever reading this! (Is there any though?) 😂

The last time I wrote something here was in 2019. I have always come back here to re-read everything and try to write something. But as always, not in the mood, and of course, I really have nothing much to say. 

To update you, things are a little bit different from how it was back then. Work-wise, I am no longer a houseman and I am now a service medical officer (still contract though, but whatever). 

Life has been pretty much the same in terms of me still being single, living full-time with my parents and having little to no friends at home. What I do every day is just go to work, come back home and do almost nothing other than eat and spend time on social media. Such an unhealthy lifestyle, can't help it though. 

I am now in my last year of being 20s. Oh wow, that seems like an ancient age doesn't it? The year 2022 was pretty interesting to me. I tried to make and spend more time with my friends and family, taking as much leave as I can to just have some off-work rest and go meet my friends and family (although most of the time, I just went to see the same old friends lol). That's pretty much what my social life is about. Although it may seem nothing much to others, to me that's pretty out of my norm already cause I barely leave my house previously haha. 

And to my own amazement, I did 'do something' for my work/career progress. I surprised myself by taking 'some' entrance exam and surprisingly passed, although barely! Haha, even I myself can't believe it still. But, I gotta take credit for that, right? Good job on that, Mai. But for now, we are definitely not taking any more exams, and let's just enjoy your almost-ending youth, okay Maisarah? 😅

Anyhow, for the year 2023, I just want to be happier! Happy by just being myself and enjoying the process of life. To not rush or chase things that are beyond my control and to just, let God. Maybe I should start traveling and having a hobby again. I do not know how long will I live in this world and what the future is gonna be like, but as for now I will just follow where my heart takes me. Spending my last 20s doing things I have always wanted to do before life gets more serious in my 30s. 

If there's one thing that still haunts me these days, it's the 'when to get married' question. Oh dear, what more with me entering my 30s, this question just never goes away. But, what to do? I do not hold my future, God does. Kalau tak kahwin pun apa salahnya kan? 😉 To be honest, I never take it to heart when people ask me this marriage-related question, tapi itu lah, when the question always comes to you, sendiri pun jadi terfikir. Tapi that's okay, one thing at a time! 

Aright then, just letting the words slip through my fingers. Nothing much actually, but just something to read back again later on. Maybe I'll come back here in the next 3-4 years haha. Till then, may we all be well. 💖

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2019 WRAP UP!

(p/s : Started writing this post in January but only able to finish writing in June. And guess what? I'm already in my second year of housemansip now, alhamdulillah)

Wow! A year has passed, hasn't it! MashaAllah, time moves super fast that I still feel like I just started the year 2019. But anyway, happy new year! We can never stop the clock from ticking, so let's move on to the new 2020 😁

As how everyone else is doing reflections on their past year and resolutions for the new year, I was doing the same too! And it took me days to fully wrap everything (well, not really fully yet) that happened last year. Indeed, 2019 was a different year for me, completely different in almost everything and of course, a different ME-self too!

1. 2019: The year I started my first job, everrrr. 
Not gonna lie but my job has been the ONE main thing that's the most significant for the year and my growth. Starting the job as a KKM houseman in April, learning all different new things everyday, going strong for all struggles I had to face day by day, definitely changed me a lot. Honestly, the job is indeed draining mentally and physically but to my surprise, I actually love MY JOB although (tbh) I still have that wishful thinking that I will someday marry someone super rich that I dont't have to do this job anymore (LOL).
Having to force my body and my mind to go to work everyday is hard, like superrr hard, but I still wake up at 5am every single day (except on my off days). I still try my best to arrive at the hospital as early as I can although most days, my heart feels soooo heavy to leave the bed. I have the choice to just MIA and take emergency leave if I want, but alhamdulillah so far, I have never done that. Why? I also have no idea. I guess I'm just being responsible to my job? IDK. After all, Allah has blessed me with a job that comes with alhamdulillah, good amount of pay, so who am I to simply being so irresponsible for nothing? Plus, I have MARA debts to pay and I can't run away from it, sigh.
Being lazy is okay, we are not perfect anyway. There are days that we are motivated / inspired to do good things, but there will also be days that we feel heavy, lazy and have all the negative thinkings, but it's okay. Allah knows we are tired, He knows that we can't do good every day. But we're all trying, right? We're trying to be better everyday, we still try our best to do the things we're obligated to, and we try so hard to restrain ourselves from doing things that He prohibited us from doing. So, let's just keep trying and doing our best, because He knows, and inshaAllah He will always help us going through all our struggles. It does sound cliche, doesn't it? But, that's the truth we gotta have faith in.


2. 2019 : The year I made so many new friends.
I have never worked all my life before, so being an introvert myself, I've never been exposed to so many new people. Making new friends wasn't that hard, surprisingly. I met some people who I can 'click' so well, but I also encountered some people who I instantly knew that I can't be so 'friendly' with. My job isn't a single-man-show and it requires me to work with people, so of course I have to maintain good relationship with most people. And alhamdulillah, most people I work with are so nice and helpful. But I just have to be careful with some people who are just so unhelpful and super selfish (yep, there are people like that).
Okay now, where is my 'jodoh'? Hmm pending forever. Hahahaha.


3. 2019 : The year I discovered so much about myself. 
Of course this had to do with both points above. Despite living this life for already 25 years +, to be honest I never really knew myself well. There's still so much bad and good things about myself that I yet to discover and 2019 was the year I discovered most of it, at least for the time being. I never knew I would be able to do the things that I did (one of the main thing is of course, working as a houseman LOL). The sad truth is, I always see myself as a weak person. I mean, I know I'm pretty much a positive person, at least that's what everyone always tell me. But, I also realise that I am not that ambitious and not always strong for every hurdles that come my way. You get what I mean?

Although most of the time, I will able to gather my strength to just power through those shitty days but the strength doesn't come easy, it's 'there' after hours of whining and crying my heart out 😜. Now looking back to those survival days, I guess I have to acknowledge my strength and positivity. So yep, call me 'strong lady' after this, k? Hehe.

Now that we are talking about my goods and bads, I feel like listing 10 things about myself, LOL what a narcissist! But that's for later lah, if only I had time to make that list. As if anybody asked for that, Maisarah but whatever lah, this is my 'space' anyway 💁 (but if you would like to know more about me, meh lah talk over coffee some other time hehe tak malu pretending future jodoh is reading this HAHAHA)


Okay lah, I think this is long enough already. This post is actually already in draft for months since January. Only now in June that I got to finish it, so here you go! Thanks for reading :)

Keep your prayers for me, okay! Till then, goodbye friends 💓

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I’m feeling a little overwhelmed today hence I thought I might want to keep this feeling in a written form so I can read it back later on. Yesterday was my first day in hospital as a new houseman. But we’re not supposed to do any HO job yet as the first week is just basically orientation to hospital system. Plus, we haven’t gotten our respective postings yet. Anyhow, I’m feeling excited for the job but the dominant feeling is of course scared (and I-don’t-know-what-to-expect feeling). I really really hope I can cope well with the job and perform the best I can to complete the HO training in exact 2 years time inshaAllah.

There’s also another thing that happened that made me feel so relieved and also a little overwhelmed. I was previously constantly worried and reminded of that one (sad) event in my life that had to do with that one friend of mine. I honestly didn’t know what to expect (& honestly all I wanted was a closure) from everything that happened in the past between us. But, I’m glad that God met us again and we finally cleared up things (it wasn’t as simple as how it’s being said, but afterall for both of us, things are going okay now). I don’t know why I feel a little terharu for all these but I’m just glad of how God planned everything in a beautiful way. So, no more unwelcomed reminders of the bad memories hopefully!

Please pray for the smoothness of my HOship training! ☺️

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MONEY IS EVERYTHING

I was thinking of writing this money-related post when I was in the shower this morning. Probably because of something that happened yesterday evening; a woman knocked on our door asking for money from my mom. 

My parents are one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met. I'm not saying this just because they are my parents. Despite realising that our family is alhamdulillah comfortable now and that we will never be in hunger or not being able to buy things we need (& want), I still think my parents are too generous to other people (I mean, in not a very good way). Okay I actually don't know how to put this in words, but simply I somehow don't like how my parents are willing to give money to people easily. Do you get what I mean? Emmm. 

You may call me 'kedekut' now. Maybe I am. Maybe because the money aren't mine, they are my parents'. But..... how would you feel if there are people (not one person, but a few) who constantly ask money from your parents? Like asking for specific amount of money, hundreds and sometimes even thousands, and never repay? I was mad when I first knew that there are this kind of people in my parents' life. Okay, I get it that they are relatives and neighbours but still..... my parents don't work all their lives to support you and your family, do they?! And, you are completely healthy human beings that have work and can find whatever means to get enough money to eat but still, with no shame simply asking for money from people who also have family to support?? 

I was mad, to be honest still (slightly) am. But what my mom always always reminds me and my siblings is to never ever berkira with people, to always do good and help people even when they do the opposite to us and even when they don't appreciate the helps. Ya Allah, what a beautiful kind soul my mom is. May Allah bless my mom and dad, ameen. And I also think that that's one of the reason why my parents are always blessed with good rezeki and happy lives. And of course, that is the reason why my siblings and I are constantly blessed too. So so thankful for our parents (suddenly I feel like crying). Alhamdulillah. 

So my friends, the lesson is : money is indeed everything. It is 'EVERYTHING' that can make us either the good or the bad person. Money can make you forget where you are coming from and keep you away from God and living life as if there's no hereafter, but money can also make you a thankful and grateful human being who never forget that God is the one blessing them to you for you to help other people who are less fortunate. And to help others despite whoever or whatever they are, with the extra money you have, just sedekah and never think twice or have doubts. Whatever they want to do with the money is their responsible. God sends those people to you as a ujian, to see who you really are when you are being tested with money. You really can't imagine the rewards God has already promised and reserved for you if you do the right thing 💖

I am still far far away from being the best human I suppose to be. Especially with money and doing sedekah..... I really really want to be rich and have all the things I want without having to look at the price tag (life goals, LOL). But I know, being rich is not just that. I cannot be rich and have the money all to myself. I have to give back, I have to plant the seeds in my syurga with the money I (will) have in this temporary world. May I always strive to be the person God please. InshaAllah, ameen. 

disclaimer : I'm not proud with who my parents are, because I am not them and in fact far from being like them. But I thought that this could be the reminder especially for me (and to everyone who reads). May you benefit from what I write here 😊

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Twenty-four!

I'm 24 years old today, alhamdulillah. (My birthday was yesterday, 17th October). How exciting!! There is so much I'm looking forward to be doing and achieve in this 24th year of my life. 2018 is ending in 10 weeks and 6 days (no, I did not count it myself, I googled this lol). And of course 2019 is going to be the year that so many things will happen. Oh God, I'm so scared now. One thing for sure is that I will start my housemanship next year, emm okay actually it is not really confirmed that it will be next year as it could be by the end of this year but the possibility is low so let's just target I will be called next year somewhere in February or March okay?

I am feeling so blessed and grateful to be given another day to live. Knowing that I have people who love me around, that is definitely the thing I can't afford to lose. Honestly, I can't imagine myself living away from my parents anymore after years of living abroad. So please please pray that I'll get to do my HOship in Terengganu, pleaseeee. Ameen, Ya Rabb.

Personally to me, birthdays are not really a huge thing. But I know that it is no harm to celebrate the day we were born with the people we love. I appreciate it so much when my friends made effort to wish me on my birthday. I had my bestfriend, Nisa' calling me after her long day at the clinic. Tbh, I haven't met Nisa' in years and I feel bad that I have so much free time now but I still couldn't go see her. I hope someday we will get to see each other again. She's the best, my Raja 💖. And of course, my other close friends who texted and called, thank you for still not forgetting me hehe. I pray that all the wishes everyone wished me come true and I wish for everyone all the goodness too, inshaAllah.

Love (to love and be loved) is definitely the best 'thing' Allah has ever created. And to realise that humans' love are only 0.1% of Allah's love, mashaAllah He is indeed The Greatest. May we all get to feel the love from Allah and to love Him as The One. Ameen. 

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Lessons learned

"No regrets in life. Just lessons learned."

How not true the above phrase is to me. If you know me well, you would know that I have a super long list of regrets. But none is ever too big deal that I cannot 'redha' with. In fact, all of my regrets are just meant to stay in those 'regrets list' and not for me to dwell and cry over. Okay fine, I do sometimes cry my heart out reminiscing on the things I wish I did/didn't do in the past, but that would be just for (at most) a day of emotions and I will try my best to power through and move on like how we all supposed to do, right? So now, I kinda want to rename those regrets as 'lessons learned' so it will sound more like a reflections in somewhat positive way.

I would say things have changed, a lot for the past year (or shorter, months). Yep, how fast time flies right? And just in a short period of time, so many things have changed too. Personally for me, I have changed. I am no longer a medical student, I live full-time with my parents now, I do mainly nothing in a day, I have no more big commitments and the list goes on (as how you would expect a 'penganggur' to be doing LOL). It is kind of refreshing to be in a state where I am right now, because honestly I never really liked who I was before. Well... again... 'regrets'... Not that I wasn't happy being myself in the past, but I like myself much better now. I assume this must be something to do with happiness and love. Yep, honestly I have never been happier (too). It feels just so right to be with the family most of the time, to never have to think about other people, or things that make me 'serabut' like exams or assessments or patients/hospitals etc. I may sound selfish, but I guess that (my own happiness) is all matters right now, at least to me. It's so true when people say only your family truly loves and cares for you. I can feel it now, honestly. Just my very first 'lessons learned' 😉

Lesson number two ; not everyone stays in your life. Friends come and go.
Despite all the loves I constantly get from my family, I still feel like there's a small hole in my heart that craves for another affections. Nope, not really as what you're thinking right now, but it could be true too 😜. Being away from friends (whom I was with most of the time when I was in Jordan) makes me feel this way somehow. For someone who doesn't have much friends, I just feel like I don't have friends anymore. No offense. I know these people are somewhere somewhere but you know when you don't physically see them in person you just feel the distance, (well only if you can relate but I guess you can't). Of course, me living in far east coast contributes the biggest to this problem. And I know how bad I am in keeping in touch with people I care for, I just suck at this friendship/relationship stuffs. No, I am not blaming anyone else either. I appreciate the love I got from people, but I just realised how not everyone really means what they say. They can just say they miss me / love me but you just know they don't when you can't feel it. I know few people mean well, and very few actually really care for me, at least I feel that way. Well, I hope they really do cause I don't want this to be just one-sided. To that few people, I appreciate the love and care, thank you for not sacking me away from your life, and for still appreciating me as your friend despite everything I am.

It's just too long already, and I don't think I can continue writing anymore. So, I guess this is the first two. I will continue when I have time (I have all the time I want but I am most of the time lazy tbh LOL). I don't know how some people would think of this post, but if you feel bad for me, you really don't have to, because I am fine with whatever and whomever I am currently blessed with. Life has to go on, and I just wish I will get to meet more people in the future and learn more from them, for another lessons learned 👌.

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Almost

Hi!

God, it has been like what?! Was it a year or more since I last wrote here? Was just having throwback time reading my old blog posts and some of them really amazed me of how I was once someone who wrote so many things, publicly. And if you have been following or reading my blog since long time ago, you would notice that the current published posts on this blog are reduced, and that's because I have kept most of the old posts in drafts because y'know the thing with 'adulthood and keeping life a secret and just to myself'? LOL. Hehe, at least I am m still trying here. Adulting, *cough cough*.

I'm in my 24th year of life already, how time flies right? Growing up to me, means having so many uncertainties, and surely I'm still way too far from being the person I wanted to be. But as for now, I will try to live in the moment and learn as much as I can to prepare myself for the scary life ahead.

Medical school is also ending very soon, inshaAllah. And for this one particular thing, I just can't believe my own self yet, at least not till the day I officially passed all the exams and graduated with the degree. That's it for now. Till next time, and in the meantime please pray that my next post will be about my graduation day! Ameen, inshaAllah :)

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Anwar Hadi's

Amboi, title post 'glam' sangat hahaha. I mean, Anwar Hadi's (questions) ✌ hehehe. I found them actually hard to answer, but here are what I could think of anyway :

1. If you had a time-machine, and that time machine could travel both backwards and forwards in time, when would you travel to and why? What would you do there?

I'd choose to travel forwards, and if I were to given the exact time, 10 years ahead. I wanna see a 'stable' settled womanized version of myself, well hopefully I'm doing something great at that moment. I'd love to congratulate myself for getting there and thank the people who made me reach to that age/level. (Ah, tearing up right now thinking of future) 

2. What's one thing you've spent too much money on but don't regret?

Emmm, I'm not really a spender actually. But, I think it'd be my iPhone 5S (if it doesn't include my parents' money that I spent). I did buy the phone solely using my own money (my MARA allowance) and yep, not regretting any penny hehe. 

3. What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away but never will?

This is rather a super hard to answer, idk (or I don't have any) really. 

4. What's something you thought was true for a long time until you found out that you were wrong?

I spent quite a few minutes (half an hour) trying to think of the answer for this question, so for now this is it; I thought (when I was still teen) that my skin condition would get better when I get to my 20-ish age, but it doesn't, still. Most people around me (usually akak-akak and makcik-makcik) told me to calm and just don't think about it too much yet and wait till I age 20s and all my skin problems will go away bla bla bla and I truly believed them. And up till today, nahh it turns out that I actually need to 'work' so hard to get better healthier skin and not just sit and wait for miracle. This is a sad fact indeed. I feel deceived :(

5. What is the best possible future discovery or invention?

Cure to cancer, or even better, complete eradication of cancers, ALL of them. 

6. What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

Be the first one to say 'Hi'. (Urgh) 

7. Do you think you are "weird"? Why or why not?

Not at all, I'm too ordinarily-ordinary for the world lol.

8. What was the last question you answered "I don't know" to? Did you ever try to find out the answer?

Question number 3. Tried to think so hard, still couldn't find one. 

9. If you were forced to work a job that you're not passionate about for 20 years, but you get to choose what that job is, what would it be?

Prime Minister, I just wanna have the experience(s) and the 'feel' having to control the country in my hands. I don't think I'll ever love the job but yeah, back at the question.

10. What has art (paintings, literature, movies, songs, etc.) taught you that nothing else has ever been able to?

Word(s), even the simplest and shortest one (in songs, movies, books) could make you wail and give you the feeling/touch you've never had.  

11. Nak makan kat mana?

Anywhere that got char kuey tiow. Ahh, so sedap (drooling excessively)!



This is so fun! Because I'm always idea-less what to write in my blog. Hope you enjoy mine, and I want everyone else to do this questionnaire-thing more, fire questions away and give me some tough time to think of the answers at least to make my brain work haha. I appreciate it if you read all my answers, and I'd love to hear yours, pleaseee!

Good day, everyone! xoxo

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JORDAN

Already in Jordan.

Second year MBBS.

Till then, loves. 

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